What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Do
Oct 03 | Tony | No Comments |Let’s face it fellas… Being a father (or stepfather) means spending a lot of time in situations where you just don’t know what to do. Many of us are “fix-it” kind of guys. We see a problem, and we try to solve it. If the grass gets long, we mow it. If a tree is rotting, we get a chain saw and cut it down. A ball is thrown, and we try to hit it. We do something. It is engrained in us throughout our lives: fix, solve, do, conquer, attack, defend, etc.
I come across dads who are hammers that treat each child like a nail. (If this sounds familiar, perhaps you yourself were a nail as a child.) Some dads see children as shrubs to be pruned and manicured to be perfect representations of their own egos and hard work. (See, look what I created! Look what I did.)
Being a good dad means spending a lot of time not knowing what to do and having the courage to rest into it. Good dads learn to hang out and be comfortable in that place of not doing. As a dad, if you are trying to find that place, it is located in that vast “gray” space that exists between all of our black and white thinking. Black and white dads are busy trying to do something – anything – to alleviate the discomfort of not knowing what to do. As a result, they aren’t really present with their kids. These dads are often thinking, “I don’t know what to do, but I gotta do something!”
Gray dads (no pun intended) have figured out ways to rest into that uncomfortable place filled with question marks. It is not easy to be there. It takes courage not to act. Being there is not a sign of weakness. Gray dads are decisive, firm, and clear when they need to be. However, they realize that what is called for most of time is their authentic presence in the room. They have come to know that most of the time there is really nothing that can be fixed, no problem to be solved, and nothing to do per se.
So, what do you do when you don’t know what to do? Do nothing. Try and become more present. Breathe deep into your own belly. Accept the fact that you don’t know what to do. Find yourself in the room. Look at your child and really try to just be with them. Let them see you – as much as you are able. Try and create connection. It sounds easy – almost clichéd, but it is really quite a challenge because of our inclination to act.
Black and white dads throw up their hands and storm out of the room saying, “Well, if you won’t take my advice, then I am abandoning ship. You deal with it.” This is their opportunity to check out. What I am talking about is just the opposite. If you can move toward this place with your children, you are actually checking in! You are showing up, perhaps for the first time, in an authentic way. If you do, you will surely find yourself on the path toward deepfatherhood.
Tags: black and white thinking, don't know what to do, lost as a dad
The Myth of Sisyphus
Sep 24 | Tony | No Comments |Ever had a day like this? A week? A month? A decade? This video form the 1970s does a masterful job of depicting the fate of Sisyphus. In Greek mythology, Sisyphus was a king who angered the gods and was sentenced to pushing a huge boulder uphill only to have it come back down and then being forced to repeat this task over and over for all eternity.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYBlAon683s&feature=related
The imagery is a powerful reminder that when we feel like all of our efforts are in vain or that we find ourselves right back where we started (again) that we are not alone. From the dawn of civilization, humankind has pondered its lot in life. What hope is there for those of us consigned to a life of seemingly fruitless struggle and endless turmoil? Have you had times when you have felt a bit like Sisyphus? What have you been pushing uphill? How long have you been pushing? Is your rock a physical one? An emotional one? A spiritual one? Are you fated to struggle with it your entire life? Does it get the best of you no matter what you do? Can you not escape it?
It is ordained that Sisyphus push uphill forever. What are his options in the face of this? What are your options in the face of what you are pushing uphill? At first blush, Sisyphus has no option. His fate is sealed. But upon closer inspection, there is yet a place for movement. Faced with the fact that there is no possibility of external change, Sisyphus’ only recourse is to explore his own internal landscape. It is only there that he (and perhaps we) will find that fundamental shift that allows for the work to be carried forward.
Tags: difficulty, futility, myth, sisyphus, strength, video
Quote – Difficulties and Failures
Sep 24 | Tony | No Comments |“We should not feel embarrassed by our difficulties, only by our failure to grow anything beautiful from them.”
Alain De Botton
Tags: difficulties, failure, growth
Quotes
Sep 11 | Tony | No Comments |“Where we do not go willingly, sooner or later we will be dragged.”
James Hollis
In the News
Aug 31 | Tony | No Comments |
Chores Around the House
A great article on giving young children (ages 2-4) tasks and chores around the house. Real responsibility early on will pay big dividends down the line!
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/benign-neglect/201102/talking-trash-or-taking-it-out
Benign Neglect!?
An anthropologist takes aim modern parenting trends calling for a little more ‘benign neglect’ with our children. The word ‘neglect’ is scary and loaded, yet think about the free time most of us had as kids. (Be home before dark!) With the rise of helicopter parenting, cell phones, and continual worry, maybe its time to have the pendulum swing back the other way just a bit.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/benign-neglect/201010/leave-the-kids-alone
Is your child addicted to the internet?
This is a short blog on the definition of Internet addition from Psychiatric Times. Discerning between addict and avid user is fuel for self-examination.
http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/blog/frances/content/article/10168/2097033
